Today, for me is so much more than just another Mother's Day. It's not that this day holds more value than all the others have in the past but this Mother's day in particular reminds me how lucky I am. How lucky am I to have a mum that saved my life? I'm almost certain most people will never get to experience how gratifying it is to have your life saved by the same person who brought you into this madness. She didn't save me in the way a doctor would save my life, she saved me from myself and that is worth more than anything any medical intervention could have done for me.
My mum and I have always been close, she's my best friend and the one person I can trust with anything in this world. Then depression came into my life and I turned into a ghost of who I was. I was no longer the daughter that surprised my mum with flowers or chocolates. I was no longer the daughter who hugged her mum every day. I was no longer the daughter that sat talking to her mum for hours at a time. I became the daughter that envied her own mum for laughing. I became the daughter that was angry at the world and everyone in it. I became the daughter who suddenly morphed into a vulnerable child again.
I felt lost at sea, with no way of staying afloat but then my mum saved me. She held me when the darkness was too crippling, she fed me when I couldn't feed myself, she kept in touch with my friends for me, she cleaned our house top to bottom every week, she handled my doctors appointments and medication, she helped me out of bed, she helped me get dressed. She did everything for me that my body was no longer psychically able to do. You might say 'well that's what any mum would do' and I can assure you, it is not what every mum or person would do. I pushed and pushed hoping she would just leave me to suffer but she fought for me.
When no one else fought for my life, she did. When I gave up, she fought like hell to make me see how worthy I was of living. And I can assure you, not every parent would do that and I certainly wouldn't have blamed her if she hadn't. My mum didn't get a manual saying "Tips for helping your depressed child 101". My mum didn't get help or support, she did it alone and never wavered. She never showed me her fear, sadness, anger or despair. She smiled when I needed to see it most. She saved me at the expense of losing a piece of herself and that is far more of a sacrifice than I've ever had to make.
I don't even remember celebrating Mother's day last year and although, I've been hit with the exhaustion bug today and am not 100% on top of things, I will remember it. I will be able to remember the smile on her face when I took her out for lunch and when I gave her flowers. But most importantly I'll remember the sheer gratitude I felt waking up today to a mother that wouldn't have blamed me for not celebrating. She deserves much more than presents, lunch and a blog post but for now, it's all I have to give. Someday, I hope I can repay to her all the hope and strength she gave me.
Happy Mother's Day, Mamma, I love you<3
Hey there, I'm Jasmine, your average 21 year old working as a nanny and play assistant. Maybe Tomorrow follows my journey living with mental health issues and chronic pain, all whilst trying to have some fun along the way.
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