I did it. 15 miles walked on the backend of a terrible week and 4 hours sleep. I actually did it. Now there wasn't ever really a doubt in my mind that I would until the night before and my old friend, insomnia decided to keep me up with anxious thoughts swirling around.
It was hard. Really bloody hard but still, I did it. I'm not often proud of myself (something I need to work on, self love is important!!) but that moment I crossed the finish line I was PROUD. For those 15 miles I wasn't the girl with a chronic illness or mental health problems, I was just me. I was the determined, self-assuring me that I once used to be. I felt alive again (even though my feet felt like they were going to fall off) I felt purpose. I mean don't get me wrong at around mile 10 the self-doubting Jasmine made an appearance but we were all sore, tired and ready to finish so we pushed through together. I wasn't in it alone and that made all the difference.
It all sounds very dramatic for "only" 15 miles but listen here..... a year ago depression made having a shower seem as difficult as running a marathon. It made a 10 minute walk outside seem like a race I was never going to finish.. 6 months ago chronic pain made walking up the stairs feel like a climb up Mount Everest. It made getting out of bed feel like journey my body was not willing to make. This past weekend chronic pain has sent me to A&E and left me unable to get out of bed. So 15 miles, to most may not seem far (I'd would like to see people complete it before shrugging their shoulder at it;) but to me, it felt like an eternity. And rightly so. My feet ached and blistered. My bones felt like they were being sawed into pieces. My back was on fire. But my mind, oh my goodness my mind felt FREE. For just a little while, my mind was quiet whilst watching the world speed past. It wasn't aching from the constant worries or darkness. It could simply be.
So whilst I have undoubtably helped the mental health community with the money we raised (£2,700!!!) I've helped myself more than I could have imagined. I needed this after two weeks of feeling like I was failing. Failing at being a good person. Failing at losing weight. Failing at winning this battle. I needed this. It's given me back my power to fight. And reading through this today is what I needed after horrible pain these last 3 days. It's reminding me that chronic pain will not always hold me back and I can do hard seemingly impossible things!
There have been moments since my battle with mental health that remind me what it truly feels like to live again. But that moment when I crossed the finish line, that one has to be my favourite yet. I'm going to bottle up that feeling and use it in moments like today where the fight seems never-ending.
I can't end this without thanking my mum and her 3 wonderful friends, who despite each having their own children and busy lives, took the time to do this with me- for me. I am grateful beyond words and you should all be proud of what you had accomplished!! Mental health is better fought as a team than alone, and I have a pretty great team around me each and every day. Thank you to every person that is a part of that❤
Hey there, I'm Jasmine, your average 21 year old working as a nanny and play assistant. Maybe Tomorrow follows my journey living with mental health issues and chronic pain, all whilst trying to have some fun along the way.
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