Life Currently....

If we were sat down, drinking a cup of tea and eating biscuits and you asked me how life was at the moment I would say.....
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​Chronic pain is kicking my butt, metaphorically and quite possibly literally. I had a couple of really difficult weeks a few weeks ago, and things have subsided slightly but I'm constantly aware of a flare potentially being around the corner. I have been having LOTS of hospital appointments, doctors appointments and tests the last couple months, it's been draining physically and mentally. It's frustrating, although some things are being figured out (after many years!!), I feel as though some things have gone backwards about 50 steps. Living in pain is becoming harder to hide, even though I still feel like I can act well most days. I’ve always been good at hiding my battles but when they become noticeable to the outside world you realise you aren’t as good at living the lie as you thought you were. I think my body is just exhausted from the last flare up which lasted for over a month. I always appreciate the moments where the pain is manageable and not in a flare, where everything hurts ALL the time. 

My depression has popped back up again in the last couple weeks, out of nowhere but I'm taking it as it comes. It emerges one day, engulfing me whole and then the next day I feel slightly less in the dark. There's been a lot of random uncontrollable crying, long naps and shutting myself in my room listening to the same song over and over again. It's been fairly draining and as always with depression, it takes you by surprise and appears when you least expect it. It's up and down right now but that's okay, that's better than it being just down. There is still a fight whether you’re in the midst of it or in recovery, but it’s a fight worth fighting.
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Certain aspects of life that are uncontrollable are causing me quite a bit of stress which could be why my depression has made an appearance. My anxiety has always been there but at the moment it's louder than it usually is. There will always be factors and events that happen in life which you can't control but when you have anxiety and depression, they feel 10 times worse. Uncertainty and stress are two things that make my anxiety a lot worse. I'm cautious of the fact that I'm no longer on medication so a normal (for me) level of anxiety could be amplified at the moment. 
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Starting an online uni degree was the best choice I could have made for myself. I so desperately hung onto the hope that my body would magically rid itself of this illness and I’d be able to go away to university like everyone else. The reality is I can’t do what everyone else can because my body is not able to. I kept putting my life on hold in the hopes things would get better instead of doing the best I could with what I had. So that’s what I finally did- I may not get the real life experience of it but I’m getting the education and for now, that is enough for me. I’m doing something for my future regardless of how may health may be. It feels good. I'm nearly done with my first year and I feel like I'm going in the right direction.
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My 21st birthday is tomorrow (!!) but due to the whole up and down of my depression, I'm not as excited as I thought I would be which is okay but disappointing. I'm hoping the whole "it's your birthday" thing will make me excited tomorrow and give me a reason to enjoy the day. I so desperately want to be happy but it's not something you can force when you're feeling depressed. I've had a great day today going to lunch with my best friend and got a ton of school work done (being productive and accomplishing things really helps my depression) so I'm hoping I'll wake up feeling great. I've just read the post I wrote last year after my birthday and reading that has reminded me how far I've actually come, even if I'm having a rough couple of days.
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I hope you all have a great rest of the week, whether you're taking part in this weeks festivities (pancake day and Valentines day) or not. I'm going to use this half term week to rest, catch up on school work and do lots of self care!!