I cried in the shower today. Full on tears rolling down my cheeks and big gasping, hideous sounding breathes. The type of cry that somehow always looks much more glamorous in movies than it ever does in real life. I was tired- no that word isn't strong enough, I was absolutely exhausted. Exhausted from work, from being happy and being "put together". I'm not sad today or depressed, but I'm not happy either. I'm in that in-between mood, wavering back between big cheesy smiles and long stares at the wall. Like my mind can't really decide what it wants to feel. I finished work and drove to the shop to grab some lunch for tomorrow. The rain was pouring and I had some relatively upbeat music on, I parked and just sat there. Sitting in my car during the rain has always had this calming, comforting affect on me. I realised, sitting there whilst cars drove by and people running around that today I was not okay. And that, that is so perfectly okay, too.
I recently received a diagnosis for my chronic pain (post up soon, I promise!). I finally got answers to pain that has been there longer than I can remember. It's been a quiet, sobering few days trying to figure out what I'm feeling. My body has long known there was something wrong and perhaps, deep within my heart, I knew too. I don't cry much, or at least not at my own battles- mainly at the unnecessary amount of character deaths on Grey's Anatomy but alas, tears finally came flowing today. Maybe it's the heaviness of the last few days or maybe, it's because today was simply a crap day. There's no shame in admitting that there doesn't always have to be a reason for our tears or for our crappy days, Sometimes, days are just hard from the minute we wake up to the minute we go back to sleep. Today, was a hard day from the moment I ached my way out of bed till now.
I didn't feel the heaviness of my day till I listened to some music that was more fitting to my mood and sat in the bath with the water running down on me. I let myself feel whatever it was the I was feeling, and I'm still not quite sure what that was. However, it helped. I feel better and back to feeling somewhat put together. And hey whether that's just an illusion my mind is playing on me till the storm hits, I'll take it. I'll soak in the fact that today, I was able to feel. I didn't hide the pain from myself. I felt what I needed to feel. And that, for me is a huge achievement. I cried without having it unleash this ocean of unshed tears. I let my guard down, cried and got back up. Some days, I simply can't get back up but today I did.
It's okay to not have it together every minute of every day. That's not achievable or admirable and it most certainly isn't mental health. We fight, we try, we lose, we hurt and we cry. Life can be so incredibly painful without trying to keep every emotion inside. Today, I cried. And that's okay. And tomorrow I will get up and try for a better, happier day. I hope that if you've cried today whether it be in the shower, your car or tucked up in bed, you know that it's okay!
Hey there, I'm Jasmine, your average 23 year old working in childcare and living in England. Maybe Tomorrow follows my journey living with mental health issues and multiple chronic health conditions, all whilst trying to have some fun along the way.
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