Chronic Illness is.....

Chronic illness is hell on earth. It’s being trapped inside a box with no fresh air to breath or room to move but constantly trying to fight your way out of it. 

Chronic illness is lonely beyond measure. It’s feeling like no one you know understands or could possibly understand you or the pain your body is in. It's feeling like you're constantly letting people down no matter how hard you try. (yes, I know I'm not the only person in the world to suffer from chronic pain but I am in my friendship group and most of my family.)

Chronic illness is not just a couple of achy body parts or an extreme cold. It is feeling like the majority of your body parts are fighting against you in a bid to bring you down. It’s feeling on fire but not being able to move to reach the extinguisher. 

Chronic illness is tiredness beyond reasonable comparison. It’s fighting the flu, pulling an all-nighter to study and running a marathon combined. It’s living half your life asleep to be able to survive the other half. 

Chronic illness is the picture on the left. It’s crying in pain at 2am because every position you lie in hurts a different part of your body. It’s laying in the foetal position praying your pain will disappear for just a minute. 
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Chronic illness is also the picture on the right. Forcing a smile on my face, doing my hair and make up and getting on with my life. It’s praying you can keep the smile on your face for most of the day. 
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Chronic illness is feeling a new pain and wondering if it’s a part of your existing condition or something to worry about. It’s countless doctors appointments or trips to A&E over the odd sensation you felt the other day. It’s trying different medication hoping just one of them will take the edge off.
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Chronic illness is seeing the four walls of your bedroom more than any other place. It’s lying on your bed in complete darkness to try and elevate the head pounding constantly going on. 

Chronic illness is not the sum of who I am though it makes up a great deal of it. It does not define me as a person. My beliefs, my attitude, my personality and my actions define me but living in pain does not. 
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Chronic illness is making me stronger whilst simultaneously making me feel the weakest I have ever felt. Its crushing my spirit and hurting my heart. Yet, I keep a smile on my face. 

But chronic illness is not going to defeat me. I am going to keep fighting because it’s all I know how to do. I am going to talk about my pain until I run out of breath because it matters. Just like talking about your job, your boyfriend, the party you went to last night or your time at uni matters to you. I can’t switch my pain on and off, I can’t make it magically stop affecting my life. And until it does, I won’t pretend it’s not there. ​
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​Chronic illness is seeing your body in a whole new way. It’s learning to love the thing that is destroying you. It’s becoming at peace with the thing that wrecks havoc in your life. It’s living you life despite your bodies best attempt at trying not to.