I’m lying there staring at the ceiling listening to the same playlist over and over. I’m reading or watching something and it doesn’t evoke any emotion inside me. I look at the pictures hanging in my room and I feel nothing. I’m crying more for reasons I can’t find. I feel most content alone, wherever I am, alone is what feels comforting. I think it’s back...
It’s been a rough couple weeks, I’ve been really sick. Not constantly throwing up kind of sick but weird physical symptoms and exhaustion to a point of even lifting my phone is too hard kind of sick. It’s been painful and tiring. Maybe it isn’t much of a surprise that it’s back. I am sad at the moment and for me depression usually follows sadness around like a lost puppy, even though they are two very different things. I don’t always get one with the other but most times I do. I’ve been waiting for the “other shoe to drop” so to speak. I’ve been weary since the day i felt normal again. Like I finally felt the sun shining again but constantly turned around to see if there were any clouds. It’s a very strange feeling when you’ve been well for so long and all of sudden you feel it creeping up behind you.. I want to kick it away but it clings to my back and just stays there for a while.
I wouldn’t say I’m in the deep end of it all again, I’ve just got my feet dipped into the edge of the pool and it’s ever so tempting to jump right in. I’m fighting it, as best as I can. Taking baths, going for walks, watching my favourite films, baking, going for long drives, seeing friends when I feel slightly better. But none of those things fill up the emptiness that has once again nestled its way into my soul. It fills all the cracks so perfectly that it can be hard to resist its hold.
I’m not worried or scared, I’m at peace with this being a battle I have to fight right now. Sometimes depression is the root problem and sometimes it’s a symptom. 8 months ago, my depression was the problem that everything else stemmed of off. It was the cause. This time feels different. It’s the symptom. The symptom of chronic pain and unanswered test results. The symptom of being too exhausted to take your clothes off or butter a piece of toast. The symptom of being so ill you haven’t seen the outside of your bedroom for days besides going to work and back. This time it’s the symptom of fighting a battle that seems insurmountable, the battle being my own body. It’s not the root cause and therefore I will not treat it like it is. It’s the symptom of living in a body that is destroying me, it’s only natural my mind feels like doing the same. My anxiety has come within the last few weeks due to a number of blood tests and constantly going to see the doctor. For me, depression and anxiety come together as a little package.
It's not the same kind of depression I have experienced for years in the past. There's no suicidal thoughts, negative things being repeated in my head or wanting to self harm. It's feeling low, not wanting to do my regular activities and retreating to my room everyday to be alone. Depression comes in SO many varieties and there isn't a box that we all fit into, you don't have to be suicidal to be depressed, just as you don't have to constantly hide away in your room to be depressed either. It can constantly be there or come and go. There is no right way to be depressed. Am I glad this is different than what I experienced before? Incredibly so, but that doesn't mean I'm not struggling with the low moods, loneliness, boredom and anxiety that has popped up in the last couple weeks. But I'm thankful that I can recognise where those feelings are stemming from and try my best to deal with them. Being chronically ill, is an ever-changing, constant battle, depression is not an unusual symptom to have.
I don’t want or need anything in these moments. I don’t need the sympathy that undoubtedly comes when people hear that you’re depressed again. I don’t need to be smothered with love and affection because regardless of how much I receive, it won’t make an ounce of difference to how I feel, I wish it did but love unfortunately doesn't take away physical or mental pain. I just need time, space and understanding. Time to ride the wave out, no matter how long is does or doesn’t last. Space to feel what I’m feeling and for it to be okay to need to be alone. And understanding that I don’t know how long this will last, it could be 3 days or 3 weeks or 3 months but that I will still be me at the other end of it and I’m still me during it.
But most of all I’m reminding myself that this is okay. These feelings I’m having right now are perfectly normal. It’s absolutely no surprise or shock that my depression is back, mildly but back nonetheless. I’m exhausted and rightly so. My depression has always been the boat that has held me afloat during the rocky storms. Right now things are a bit unsettled so I knew it was a matter of time before the boat came sailing along and pulled me up. All I do know is that I am okay, despite everything I have just rambled on about, I am okay. You can be depressed and be okay, get up and go to work, plaster a smile on your face, it’s hard but it is doable (certainly not the case for everyone!! And wasn’t the case for me for a long time). My depressed feelings don’t mean I’m not okay. They just mean I’m sailing through some rough waves at the moment. Every storm settles eventually and I have every faith this one will pass soon enough.
Hey there, I'm Jasmine, your average 23 year old working in childcare and living in England. Maybe Tomorrow follows my journey living with mental health issues and multiple chronic health conditions, all whilst trying to have some fun along the way.
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